Things that make me go grrrr.....

I watched Jodhaa Akbar recently and quite liked it (heh heh suckered y'all with the title didnt I, of course I'm going to write about it). Ash looked gorgeous (nothing new here) and acted well too (this was surprising enough to share). HR is, of course, to the Mughal palace born. Anyways, it's been a long time since I actually watched a Bollywood Bollywood movie with all the attendant irritants that includes and this rant about some old-school Bwood film-making techniques just sorta took over.

1) I just hate how some directors introduce their characters. Here the camera flirts with mail-clad arms, forearms, chest, thighs, legs, nasal hair before finally showing Akbar. Why so coy Mr. Director? In these days of ADD, setting up a long, drawn-out sequence can work against you, I know I was intensely irritated. And this, right after I laughed myself silly over a Battle of Panipat with 5 extras and 2 elephants. Not the greatest start to your movie, what ??

2) What's with the Divine Light Syndrome (DLS/DL)? The Khwaja mere Khwaja sequence was the most beautiful sounding & visually appealing songs I have seen recently, until ruined at one stroke by a director's indulgence (and I'm not talking abt Jodhaa & co weeping their eyes out, tho come to think of it, what was that about? You're a Rajput princess, strive for some dignity girl!). The audiences are not fools, Mr. Director. I would have been prefectly ready to accept Akbar being moved by his spirituality to join the dancers, but you had to ruin the moment with your ham-handed visuals didnt you. And, the second DLS moment when Akbar is on his death bed was just pointless! What I cannot figure out is when you have included 2 instances, why not more? Why not have the DL thingie popping up everywhere in your movie? Like when Sujamal dies?? Or the one-on-one combat scene at the end?? Or, has Jodhaa stopped praying for them .... naughty woman! You know that mantra they keep hammering in script-writing schools everywhere 'Show, not tell', methinks this should be added & stressed in some Bwood directing canon, somewhere ....

3) If you are not Mr. Pradeep Sarkar please do NOT attempt a lovemaking scene. I could stand just about anything, 2 flowers nodding together, two elephants with their trunks entwined, anything except the 5 mins of torture this sequence was. Heck, you could have subtly depicted the consummation and then shown cute montages of their relationship after, I would have been so totally into that. But, dont have them cavorting around the room, floor, bed, window uselessly. In fact, at one point, I was surprised Akbar didnt run away thankful at his escape, tapping his forehead ala Obelix when Jodhaa randomly bursts into song. And just the inclusion of that pose, that pose spoiled what was a perfectly beautiful song for me. You know the one I'm talking about, hero standing, heroine standing in front leaning against him, both with heads thrown back, eyes closed, arms together, either stretched out on both sides or wrapped around the heroine. WTH ?? After 'I'm the King of the World' no doubt you feel an insane sort of validation, but take it from me, it's a stupid pose.

Whew! All right, I'm done! Glad I got all that out of my system ... now I can reflect on the pleasanter portions of the movie ....